7th Edition: Tweety Bird’s Favorite Tweets

Random Tweets:

Paul Shirley ‏ @paulthenshirley Arnold Schwarzenegger was the governor of California for eight years. #onlysoundslikeaprilfools

Neal Brennan ‏ @nealbrennan Dear Government, I’m cool with you shutting down if you’re cool with me not paying my taxes.

Jenny Johnson ‏ @JennyJohnsonHi5 I’ve invented a new drink. Tequila mixed with NyQuil. It’s called “The Mexican Uncle”

IrrelevantScott ‏ @IrrelevantScott My suicide note will simply say, “Finally got rid of that 2:30 feeling!”

Mick Shaffer ‏ @mickshaffer What’s amazing is that Weekend at Bernie’s happened twice. What are the chances?

Michael Ian Black ‏ @michaelianblack Netflix has an amazing collection of independent and foreign movies I don’t want to see.

Jenny Johnson ‏ @JennyJohnsonHi5 When I was a kid the swear jar at my house was always empty because my sister was a goddamn thief.

Rob Huebel ‏ @robhuebel Yes I got hard when the TSA guy groped my loins and buttocks, but only because I was imagining it was a real cop.

Paul Shirley ‏ @paulthenshirley Dear al-Qaeda, the Ed Hardy outlet store at 8680 Hayden Place in Culver City (N34° 1.2745′, W118° 23.1754′) is our most sacred site.

Hunger Games Tweets: 

Mick Shaffer ‏ @mickshaffer I mean, we’re all frowning on the bounty program, but the Hunger Games are allowed to continue.

Matt Shirley ‏ @mattshirley41 Girls love The Hunger Games because it follows no rational path of reasoning, just like them.

UberFacts ‏ @UberFacts You can call the Hunger Games hotline (404) 698-2903, and actually participate in the game!

6th Edition: Tweety Bird’s Favorite Tweets

Random Tweets

nealbrennan  When a dude revs his engine and peels out in front of me, I get upset because I totally wanna hang w/ him, but now he’s gone.

robhuebel I hope I never have a job where I have to lovingly stroke the hair of the Men’s Wearhouse guy.

IrrelevantScott To: Human Resources…Merry Christmas…From: Anonymous

 michaelianblack  Reminder: when people say, ˝you’re better than that,˝ you’re not.

ConanOBrien As my 5 year-old son and I carved the pumpkin today, I swear I heard him say, “That’s what happens to snitches.”

mookiewilson86  Lindsay Lohan’s brain needs Tommy John surgery.

clubtrillion Worst part about not being on Twitter during Super Bowl: Any joke I make about how awful the Black Eyed Peas were would be so 2000 and late.

thesulk There should be a 5 second rule when girls start to cry where they can take it back. Win-win.

JoshHighland Just filed my taxes. Biggie was right, mo money mo problems

nickcollison4  Thanks for all the bday wishes. They say 30 is the new 20. So I am looking for a house party and putting off writing this western civ paper

 kellyoxford I hope the meaning of life isn’t something we’re all going to hate.

 kellyoxford 85% of women who say Charlie Sheen is gross also believe they could change him.

5th Edition: Tweety Bird’s Favorite Tweets

Sports Tweets:

jacko2323 Just realized that I haven’t tweeted in 5 days. I guess I’ve been far too wrapped up in the WNBA playoffs.

nickcollison4 Favre will be announcing his decision in a month long special on ESPN called ESPN.

robhuebel If I played in the NFL, I’d put the word “Juicy” on my butt, to make the other team all jealous.

kellyoxford Enrolling your daughter in Gymnastics: 1% chance she’ll be an athlete. 100% chance she’ll be the drunk girl doing backflips in a bikini.

phila_lawyer “Gee, thanks… I’m sure I’ll be able to retroactively enhance all those old endorsement deals now that I have a Heisman.” – Vince Young

OGOchoCinco The Dolphins player that lost his 2.5 karat earrings at practice, i sent him a CLAIRES gift card, they all shine the same.


paulscheer Calvin and Hobbes has really gone downhill ever since Bill Watterson has insisted on only drawing Calvin pissing on car logos.

kellyoxford The best part of watching an actor on an environmental crusade is when he gets on his private plane.

phila_lawyer Corporate Success: 20% each, Brains, Luck and Personality; 40% Mastering insider lingo used to make simple tasks and concepts sound complex.

DougBenson BP, the cash you’re spending on ads about how you’re helping people in the Gulf would be better spent actually helping people in the Gulf.

ryandalton CNN gave me an idea.The next time my wife sees that I have left the place a mess, I will say, “It’s a cleanup effort.”

WhitneyCummings If something you’re doing is too boring to bring up in a phone conversation, how about don’t make it your Facebook update.

kellyoxford Heidi Montag would be worth a lot more money if she had been left in her box.

NilsAParker My faith in America’s ability to pull itself out of this current tailspin has been shaken by pics of Justin Bieber in a Lambo convertible.

4th Edition: Tweety Bird’s Favorite Tweets

Conference Realignment:

mickshaffer: The Big 12 losing teams to the Big 10 doesn’t seem right.  Like Zeppelin losing band members to Wham!

mickshaffer: In my house, my wife is Texas.


DougBenson: If a swarm of killer bees was headed toward the World Cup, no one would know until it was too late.

robhuebel: ATTENTION FOOTLOCKER EMPLOYEES: You’re not actually referees.

paulscheer: I like to put Aunt Jemima next to the Uncle Ben in my pantry. I’m hoping for a love connection.

robhuebel: Denny’s is like that high school girlfriend that used to be cute but then tried heroin and then lost an arm when it got infected.

ryandalton: I just updated my MySpace page. While I’m at it, I may try and fix up my rotary phone, charge up my Startak, and wash my Hypercolor shirt.

robhuebel: Census guy came to my door and asked me if I was the only one who lived here. I said “this sounds like the start of a porno”. He left.

mattshirley41: Whenever one of my facebook friends posts a picture of themselves pregnant I’m going to add a comment that says, “Gross.”