@nealbrennan Dear Government, I’m cool with you shutting down if you’re cool with me not paying my taxes.
@JennyJohnsonHi5 I’ve invented a new drink. Tequila mixed with NyQuil. It’s called “The Mexican Uncle”
@IrrelevantScott My suicide note will simply say, “Finally got rid of that 2:30 feeling!”
@mickshaffer What’s amazing is that Weekend at Bernie’s happened twice. What are the chances?
Michael Ian Black
@michaelianblack Netflix has an amazing collection of independent and foreign movies I don’t want to see.
@JennyJohnsonHi5 When I was a kid the swear jar at my house was always empty because my sister was a goddamn thief.
@robhuebel Yes I got hard when the TSA guy groped my loins and buttocks, but only because I was imagining it was a real cop.
@paulthenshirley Dear al-Qaeda, the Ed Hardy outlet store at 8680 Hayden Place in Culver City (N34° 1.2745′, W118° 23.1754′) is our most sacred site.
Hunger Games Tweets:
@mickshaffer I mean, we’re all frowning on the bounty program, but the Hunger Games are allowed to continue.
@mattshirley41 Girls love The Hunger Games because it follows no rational path of reasoning, just like them.
@UberFacts You can call the Hunger Games hotline (404) 698-2903, and actually participate in the game!